Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Ten Ways to Improve the Quality of Life in the United States

  • The guy who comes second in presidential elections gets to be Vice-President.

  • Stan Lee goes on the $20 note.

  • Use the vast amount of money that is usually spent on blowing up foreigners to fund NASA.

  • Let British comedians go on Saturday Night Live.

  • Knock everything down and rebuild it so it's all much closer together, so you can actually walk to it instead of buying a car the size of Venezuela just to go and buy some milk.

  • Curry.

  • Put more women in charge.

  • Don't let the coaches anywhere near the pitch in Yankee football, ban advertising during games and restrict the teams to eleven players plus subs. Alternatively, replace it with rugby and/or proper football.

  • Get rid of that silly world map with America in the middle and use the one everyone else uses instead. Ditto paper sizes.

  • Replace the national anthem with the theme from Cheers.


  1. ...had a brilliant conversation with a dyslexic the other day...explaining how I remember stuff like the compass points...how it spells WE across the compass and then the fact that japan is the *land of the rising sun* so I remember that the sun rises over there to the right, that's the east...that is when my friend pointed out that japan was on the left-hand side of the map and the sun rose in europe :^)...must be tough being an american :^)...

  2. At this point, I say just cancel SNL. It's been too painful for too long...

  3. But it's an institution! No one watches it, and it's not been funny in years, but it's an institution! It'd be like cancelling the constitution, or Jesus! ;)

  4. Didn't you get the memo? Jesus was cancelled because he gets poor ratings up against Yank football on Sundays. Kidding! Heh!

    As for SNL, I think that since the secret's out that it A) hasn't been funny in years, and B) no one watches it any more, there's only one logical thing to do.

    Overexpose it.

    Seriously. They have enough reruns in the can to do a huge all-SNL channel and advertise it constantly, everywhere. Really. It's time to meet its impending pop-culture demise head-on, damn the torpedoes, and just pretend like everything is the exact opposite of how it actually is and make believe the it's the best show on the planet.

    I guarantee you this will convince way too many people that it actually is the best show on the planet.

    Sorry. It's late and I have no idea what I'm doing here.

  5. Wait a minute, you mean in the rest of the world, the USA isn't in the middle of all the maps? And that other places use different paper sizes, watch a different sport they call football, and use the metric system too?

    Are you insane?

    America is the center of the goddamn world, and what we say is the way things should be. Haven't you learned that yet???

  6. I agree with all of this , especially with having Stan The Man on the $20 bill..