A very silly role-playing game about introspective thugs with big pointy sticks. Inspired by
this BlueSky post, and written by someone who has never read Proust.
You will need:
- Pencils or pens.
- Paper - you could even use paper plates because you may need something to catch biscuit crumbs.
- 1d100, 1d20, and (maybe) 1d6.
- A packet of biscuits - these can be any sort of token, really, but with biscuits you can enjoy a nice sugary treat as you spend them! The author recommends Hob Nobs.
Each player should pick their POLEARM from the
POLEARM LIST and write the name down on their paper (or paper plate). This is important! If players know how POLEARM TESTS work then they should roll on the table instead.
Each player should then pick a
POLEARM ADJECTIVE and write it down; again, if they already know how the game works, then they should roll for it.
Each player should be issued at least one
BISCUIT. One BISCUIT per two hours of planned play time seems fair.
(You can and should have more biscuits -- I'm not a fascist -- but I'm talking about BISCUITS as an in-game currency here.)
Each player -- and the GM -- should determine their ALIGNMENT; see, um,
ALIGNMENT.
Each player should select a name for their polearm-wielder. Something gender-neutral or with a simple gender variant -- for example Alex/Alexandra/Alexander, or Justine/Justin -- works best, but this is just a bit of fun, intended to make it look like I'm more erudite than I am and that I've read Proust, which I haven't, so ignore it if you want.
One player should be designated as this session's PROUST; see
I AM PROUST.
Now you can begin! Chuck the players into any sort of basic medieval fantasy type adventure with lots of
OBSTACLES. See what happens.
POLEARM LIST (d100)
- 01-04. spear
- 05-08. lance
- 09-12. pike
- 13-16. spetum
- 17-20. ranseur
- 21-24. partisan
- 25-28. pole axe
- 29-32. halberd
- 33-46. bardiche
- 37-40. voulge
- 41-44. lochaber axe
- 45-48. fauchard
- 49-52. glaive
- 53-56. guisarme
- 57-60. bill hook
- 61-64. military fork
- 65-68. lucern hammer
- 69-72. bec de corbin
- 73-76. fauchard-fork
- 77-80. fauchard-guisarme
- 81-84. glaive-guisarme
- 85-88. guisarme-voulge
- 89-92. bill-guisarme
- 93-96. guandao
- 97-00. trident
POLEARM ADJECTIVES (d20)
- +1
- ancient
- bent
- broken
- cosmic
- enchanted
- fabulous
- fire
- glass
- holy
- ice
- intelligent (you may wish to give it an ALIGNMENT for fun)
- Krullian
- lightning
- oversized
- poison
- rubber
- stolen
- telescopic
- tiny
ALIGNMENT
To determine a player-character's alignment, give the player a bit of paper with the word "Proust" on it and ask them to pronounce it, before moving on to do the same with the next player. There are three alignments in
P&P:
- As in "roost": lawful, righteous, arrogant, smug; basically high elves.
- As in "oust": wrong'uns and rogues, but charming;
my brother Han Solo.
- Anything else: chaotic and unpredictable; goblins, probably.
The GM should also do this. NO CHEATING. If you're going to run the game, do this now, before doing any research. DuckDuckGoing "How to pronounce 'Proust'" counts as research. This is the general background alignment of your setting.
Alignments are in opposition but not necessarily direct, bloody conflict, although it's a lot of fun if they are.
If everyone already knows how to pronounce "Proust", roll 1d6 instead: 1-2 high elves; 3-4 Han Solo; 5-6 Probably Goblins.
I AM PROUST
(I imagine this in Vin Diesel's voice. You're welcome.)
Randomly and secretly pick one player to be the semi-autobiographical author insert for this session. At any point during the session that player can seize the narrative for one "moment"; a moment is loosely defined and could be a second or a year of in-game time.
Be respectful; don't crap on another player's character or negate, overwrite, or otherwise undermine their choices. Otherwise Proust has total power in that moment and can redefine and remake the situation as they see fit.
No player can be Proust two sessions in a row; pick again if this happens. If the same player is Proust
again, then no one is Proust this session.
Je suis desole.
OBSTACLES
When player-characters encounter obstacles they can try to overcome them with either POLEARM TESTS or BISCUITS. They can also choose to be defeated by the obstacle, and go to find another way around. It's a role-playing game!
POLEARM TESTS
The moment a player declares they are trying to use their POLEARM to overcome an obstacle, compare the number of letters in the POLEARM (plus ADJECTIVE) with the number of letters in the obstacle's
longest prior description. Only count letters (and numbers if something weird has happened), not spaces, dashes or anything funky.
The obstacle's description is locked the second the players declare they are trying to bypass it. A bit like the double-slit experiment, but this is a game about big pointy sticks and French authors not quantum mechanics. A "wooden door" cannot suddenly become a "sturdy wooden door".
If the POLEARM description is longer, the POLEARM wins; describe how the big pointy stick defeats the obstacle. Otherwise the obstacle wins and the player-character is defeated.
BISCUITS
The other way to overcome an obstacle in
P&P is to spend (eat) a BISCUIT to trigger a flashback that illustrates how the player-character's contemplation and introspection shows them a way forward. Perhaps it was a lesson learned on a long-ago seaside holiday, almost forgotten but now remembered with vivid clarity. Perhaps it was just simple preparation but no, this is Proust, not
Blades in the Dark. As long as it makes some sort of sense, it's good, but this is intended to be a funny game, so pushing the boundaries of "some sort of sense" is very much in the intended spirit.
BISCUITS always defeat obstacles.
A player-character that has run out of BISCUITS is either overcome by existential dread and exhaustion or is fulfilled because they have unlocked their memories and become their authentic self, depending on your interpretation of early twentieth century French literature and philosophy.
DEFEATS
I am inclined towards defeats being soft and temporary. Even if the obstacle is "one hundred angry wererats" I think a player defeat results in the player-characters being battered and bruised, fleeing, perhaps captured, perhaps left for dead, mostly dead but not all dead. I would be genuinely shocked if Proust isn't full of tragic deaths but haven't read any, etc, etc.
EXPERIENCE
For every adventure a player-character completes, they are awarded an extra BISCUIT the next time they play. I am amused by the idea of someone declaring that they are a "four-biscuit halberdier".
A player may trade a BISCUIT for a second POLEARM ADJECTIVE.
Right, that's it! Off you go! Play! Leave questions and comments in the, um, comments!
