Mince Pie Fest 2021: The Results!

Well, I say "results", but I will continue to eat mince pies well into 2022, and I will provide scores for anything new I devour over the next few festive weeks, so there may yet be a surprise.

Anyway.

The best (generic high street) mince pies of 2021 are, in reverse order for the artificial generation of tension:

#3: Iceland Luxury and M&S Classic. Nothing can separate these two heavyweights, just like the final shot of Rocky III.

#2: Sainsbos Taste the Difference. A hefty, boozy, flavourful pie, for the semi-posh.

#1: The big winner, the champion of champions, the PRINCE OF MINCE is...

COOP Irresistible! What a glorious pie. Bold, confident, and full of beautiful festive flavour. A chunky champion.

The day after I posted my review, people across the country reported that the pies had all sold out at their local COOPs. I'd like to believe that is my influence.

Although the COOP ones are -- officially, scientifically -- the best, any of those top three/four will see you right this Chrimble. Enjoy!

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Here's the rest of the top 9. It's a top 9 because the next six are all 3.5 and I don't want to bore you with mediocrity.

("Mediocrity" is a bit harsh, as I'm a fan of all mince pies and am happy with any variety. Except the McDonald's or Tesco rum ones. I'm not sure I could face those again.)

And for those of you interested in a bit of light statistical analysis...

COOP has upped its game (or my tastes changed). The clear winner in 2021 only scored 3.5 in 2018 and 2020.

Good Housekeeping did a taste test and its top three were: Morrisons Best (I scored them 3.5), Iceland Luxury (4) and M&S Collection (3.5) as joint second, and Tesco Finest (3.5) and Lidl Deluxe (3) in joint third.

The Grauniad's top three were: Sainsbos Taste the Difference (4.5) in first place, Waitrose Brown Butter (3) in second, and M&S Collection (3.5) in third.

Huffpost UK's top three mince pies were: M&S Collection (3.5) at the top, Waitrose Brown Butter (3) in second, and COOP Bourbon and Orange (N/A) in third, which is just mental.

All of which tells us little except that the M&S Collection are consistent.
If you've enjoyed my mincey odyssey, please consider bunging me a couple of quid so I can do this again next year:



(Obviously I will do it again next year whether you bribe me or not, who am I kidding?)

As mentioned above, I'm going to continue to munch on mince pies for the next few weeks, so it's not quite over yet...

#mincetagram #MincePieADay #MincePieFest2021

Mince Pie Fest 2021: Iceland Luxury

Straight outta Reykjavík!

The 24th (!) mince pie of the season is a strong late entry. The pastry is a tiny bit on the crunchy side for my liking, but is otherwise sweet and tasty, so I'll let it off. The real star is the generous filling, which is a delightful mix of juicy fruitiness, zesty zing, and a boozy swagger.

I'm quite impressed by these, to be honest. Well done, Iceland. 4 out of 5.

#MincePieADay #MincePieFest2021 #mincetagram

Mince Pie Fest 2021: Heston Large Spiced Mince Pies With a Lemon Twist

What's posher than Waitrose? HESTON from Waitrose, that's what.

At least these don't have ocelot spleens or something in them.

There is much more spice than lemon in these, to the extent that you'd be forgiven for missing the lemon entirely. Not a bad taste but the festive spice hit is so heavy, like falling face first into your grandmother's pot pourri (not a euphemism), it needs something else for balance, and the lemon isn't quite there.

The pies are hefty and chunky, which takes the edge off the usurious mortgage you'll need to buy them. They have a pleasant bite, but they are also a bit claggy; you'll want a cup of tea or mulled wine to go with these.

The crumbly topping means I must decry these as #NotAMincePie but they are also not, as the box claims in a bizarre aside, Sussex Pond Puddings. That Heston is such a scoundrel! 3 out of 5.

#MincePieADay #MincePieFest2021 #mincetagram

Mince Pie Fest 2021: M&S Collection

I was sure I'd already done these this year, but it seems not.

The filling is lovely and fruity, with a tangy citrus flavour and a pleasant cognac aftertaste. The pastry has a good, crumbly texture, but the taste is an odd mixture of crunchy sugar with a salty kick, and that particular combination doesn't work for me. 3.5 out of 5.

#MincePieADay #MincePieFest2021 #mincetagram

Mince Pie Fest 2021: COOP Bourbon and Bitter Orange

These are bonkers.

A chaotic cacophony of (very sweet) flavours, I've eaten a whole pack and I'm still not sure if I like them. I find it impossible to give these pies a score, but that's okay because they are #NotAMincePie so I can dodge that bullet for today. 🐠 out of 🇱🇧.

#mincetagram #MincePieADay #MincePieFest2021

Mince Pie Fest 2021: Waitrose

More Pies For Poshos™ except these are for slightly less posh poshos than yesterday's posh pies.

Alas, the contempt for the slightly less affluent Waitrose customer is evident in the pastry, which is crispy (ugh) and has a strong, bilious taste.

The generous filling has a good flavour; fruity and saucy and tasty, although there's no hint of alcohol, which, to be fair, may be a selling point for some. As nice as the filling is, the sickly crust overpowers it and leaves a nasty aftertaste. 2 out of 5.

#MincePieADay #MincePieFest2021 #mincetagram

Mince Pie Fest 2021: Waitrose Brown Butter (Bam-Ba-Lam)

Recommended by The Guardian -- quelle surprise -- these are big, chunky, and heavy pies that look impressive.

They have a satisfying, hefty bite, but the famous -- "ooh, you have to try it!" -- brown butter pastry turns out to be a bit bland, almost dusty, and the filling struggles to make an impression at first, letting the cognac aftertaste do most of the heavy lifting. 3 out of 5.

#MincePieADay #MincePieFest2021 #mincetagram

Mince Pie Fest 2021: Caffè Nero Double the Fun!

A festive double header from the high street coffee shop everyone forgets about!

This is the fancy one. Softish pastry with a bit of bite, but bland flavour. Well, I assume it's bland, but it's difficult to taste anything over the Almond Shotgun that goes off in your face. Crushed almonds in the crumbly topping and what is probably half a litre of amaretto in the filling.

This one gets 1 out of 5 from me, because it turns out I really don't like the flavour of almonds. Aside from that, it's probably a 3 out of 5 as it's not bad, but even so the crumble topping means it's #NotAMincePie by my rules, so it's disqualified.

This one is much more sensible. No crumble topping. No almond flavour. You can taste the pastry on this one, and while it's still a bit bland, there is a touch of sweetness. The filling is nothing special but it's got a fair bit of flavour, a bit of bite, and no weird aftertastes swaggering in to ruin everything. 3 out of 5.

#mincetagram #MincePieADay #MincePieFest2021

Mince Pie Fest 2021: COOP Irresistible

Irresistible, eh? We'll see about that.

Oh. Okay. Fair play, COOP. 5 out of 5. Everyone go home.

I should probably do an actual review, eh? Well, the pastry is firm, but not crispy, and has just the right, sweet touch. The filling is, um, full of flavour; it thunders in with a big boozy uppercut, like a drunk in the best bar fight ever.

(I have never been in a bar fight.)

These are bold, powerful mince pies, with a lovely texture and great taste. As popular Welsh TV chef Chris Roberts says, these are (finger slap) NEXT LEVEL. It's going to be difficult to top these minceys.

These do have palm oil, but as I discovered, COOP apparently uses sustainable oil.

#mincetagram #MincePieADay #MincePieFest2021

Mince Pie Fest 2021: COOP

You have to admire the stark, utilitarian messaging there.

THESE ARE MINCE PIES. FROM THE COOP. THAT IS ALL.

The pastry has a nice, crumbly texture, but lacks a distinctive flavour. Or any flavour, to be honest. The filling is similarly bland, right up to a HUGE rush of citrusy flavour, almost an aftertaste it comes so late, which rescues the whole endeavour.

Not bad, and not great, but perfectly average, and will do if you're in some sort of mince pie related emergency. 3 out of 5.

There is palm oil on the ingredients list, but I am told -- by the Orangutan Land Trust -- that COOP uses 100% sustainable palm oil..

#mincetagram #MincePieADay #MincePieFest2021

Mince Pie Fest 2021: Sainsbury's Taste the Difference

These are my brother's favourites for 2021 (edit: it's the cheaper ones he likes, apparently) but I've found them to be poor in previous years. Mind you, he was right about Tesco last year, so...

Crikey!

These chunky pies are off to an excellent start as the box opens and you're slapped in the face with a strong, alcohol-infused waft. The pastry has a touch of crispiness to it, but not unpleasantly so, and it has a good taste. The filling is full of boozy, juicy flavour and has a nice, almost chewy, bite.

There is a lot going on in this pie, but it's all balanced and nothing overpowers anything else. 4.5 out of 5 and a strong contender for best of 2021. Then again, I haven't tried the famous Waitrose brown butter pies yet...

Alas, there is palm oil, of course, and an excessive, Attenborough-taunting, amount of packaging.

#mincetagram #MincePieADay #MincePieFest2021

Mince Pie Fest 2021: The Accursed Kipling

These were bland and dry and "gah" but I had a cold when I had the first two, so my sense of taste was probably wonky.

I feel much better now and these are still bland and dry and "gah". 2 out of 5.

(Palm oil, obviously.)

#mincetagram #MincePieADay #MincePieFest2021

Mince Pie Fest 2021: Plant Pioneers (Sainsbury's in Disguise)

I found these hidden in the corner of a bottom shelf of the bakery section at Sainsbos, almost as if they were ashamed.

It seems that the more specific the dietary requirement, the more Wrong the food tastes; anyone who's had vegan "cheese" knows what I mean. But these are not bad!

I'll go further and say that they are almost very good, but there are a few let-downs. First of all, they are a bit small, but it's not a huge surprise to pay more for less if you're going gluten-free or vegan. Doesn't make it okay, but it's not a shock. The pastry has a nice soft crumble to it, but is a bit bland, which they have tried to cover with about six tons of granulated sugar, so it feels like you're chewing on a mouthful of sweet gravel.

On the plus side, the filling is rich and fruity and full of lovely flavour, with no bitterness or nasty aftertaste, and not too sweet either. It's so good that these would be top-tier pies were it not for the disappointing pastry. 3.5 out of 5.

(These do contain palm oil, so there's an argument that they are not vegan after all, but I'll let the vegans in the audience decide on that.)

#mincetagram #MincePieADay #MincePieFest2021

Mince Pie Fest 2021: McDonald's "Festive Pie"

I know, I know, but it is my duty to suffer.

The pastry is awful. I'm not sure it even is pastry. It feels more like some sort of fritter. Fritters are fine. I like fritters, but this is an abysmal example, with the texture of a Kettle Chip and a taste like drinking the fryer at your local chip shop.

(I mean, you've probably developed heart disease just from the picture.)

The custard is unconventional but not a bad addition, although there is far too much in this pie and it overwhelms the mincemeat filling. Which is a shame, because the mincemeat is really quite tasty! It's fruity, rich, and tangy, and better than a lot of the other pies I have tried so far this year.

But the "pastry" ruins everything. 1.5 out of 5.

(Palm oil, obviously, with added tax-dodging.)

#mincetagram #MincePieADay #MincePieFest2021

(If you want to help me fund the testing, you can click below. I've set it to £1, which is what most shop-bought pies cost. Absolutely no pressure, I'm going to buy and eat mince pies anyway, but it's there if you want it.)

Mince Pie Fest 2021: Tesco Spiced Rum

I quite like rum, so I was looking forward to these.

They look good -- I love that lattice pattern -- and the pastry is nice. Crumbly, soft, and sweet. The filling; my gosh, something has gone wrong there. I was hoping for rich fruit with a nice boozy punch, but what we get instead is a combination of flavours that is best described as "vomit". Ugh. 1.5 out of 5.

(Also, palm oil.)

#mincetagram #MincePieADay #MincePieFest2021

Hellboy likes rum too.