Mince Pie Fest 2022: M&S Classic

M&S! As Cat Stevens wrote (probably), the first bite is the weakest.

There's so much sugar on these pies that the top is all crunchy, and I'm not a fan of crunchy. The good news is that the rest of the pastry is firm but crumbly, and much better than the top.

The filling lacks any particular strong flavours -- there's no booze or citrussy kick here -- but does have a pleasant and moreish fruitiness.

These are nothing special, but are perfectly decent pies that are only let down by that dodgy top. 3.5 out of 5.

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Mince Pie Fest 2022: Waitrose Unessentials

Look, yesterday was (mostly) a joke and I don't have it in for Waitrose. I say this because of what's to follow, and I don't want people thinking it's some vendetta against the poshos or something.

Eat the rich, they say, well go ahead, but don't eat their mince pies. For reasons beyond my working class comprehension, these are even worse than the cheap and not-so-cheerful pies from yesterday. The pastry is dreadful; crunchy, and with a thick coat of chunky granulated sugar, the texture is like eating glass. Or so I'd imagine.

The filling is fruity but has a dull, musty flavour with no citrus or alcohol to give it a bit of interest. It sort of tastes purple-grey, like a depressed grandma.

These are dreadful mince pies. 1.5 out of 5.

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Mince Pie Fest 2022: Waitrose Essentials

These are part of Waitrose's probably reluctant admission that there are people who are not upper middle class, and may need access to cheaper food. Let us see what our betters have provided for us.

The pastry is so soft the whole pie threatens to disintegrate as it's held, but once it's in the mouth it resolves into a dry, dusty mess that could easily choke the unwary. What little flavour there is, is bitter and salty, evoking the contempt the average Waitrose shopper has for any household with a second hand car or fewer than four bedrooms.

There is a filling, but I couldn't tell you what it tastes like because it tastes of nothing, but that's probably good enough for the likes of us, as we scrabble for scraps and dream of revolution.

2 out of 5.

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Mince Pie Fest 2022: Waitrose Bakery

I nipped into Waitrose for this one and escaped before security noticed my social status. Alas, my reward for my act of class warfare was blandness.

The pastry is soft, with a hint of pleasant chewiness, but no strong flavour. No problem, though, because the filling will make up for it, right? Bueller?

Ah. No. The filling is there, but I can't say much more than that. There's a brief stab of alcohol in there, but otherwise it's just a layer of generic fruity, jammy "stuff".

It's fine. Not fine but fine. 3 out of 5.

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Mince Pie Fest 2022: Asda Extra Special Giant Mince Pie

While the Americans get ready for their traditional Thanksgiving treats of Gasoline Pie, Cowboy Grits, and Lincoln Logs, here the Mince Pie Fest continues with this absolute unit.

These have apparently been selling out and have been difficult to find, but thanks to a keen-eyed reader, I am in possession of the Holy Grail. And also this pie.

In theory, this should just be a bigger version of yesterday's pies, but we will see.

What this has in common with yesterday's entry is that rich, boozy filling, but if anything this is even richer and more boozy than those. I did not think it possible, but they seem to have poured an entire minibar into this and I think I might be drunk.

I don't really like alcohol -- I might have a cider once a year, maybe -- but this is amazing, but maybe that's the drink talking. But but but.

But I must be professional and I should report that maybe the booze overpowers the other flavours; there is a lovely fruity, saucy filling in there, but it's almost swept aside by the Power of Firewater. And if you don't like boozy flavours then this is no good for you, but that's okay because if you do buy it by mistake you can send it to me. Thanks.

(I think I'm sobering up now.)

The pastry is better than that of the pie's smaller cousins. It's still firm, but less crunchy, and has a pleasant sweet taste, understated but just enough of a contrast to that powerful, punchy filling.

This is a difficult one to score. The things I like about it are going to be deal breakers for others, plus it's not really a traditional mince pie. Let's give it 4.5 out of 5, but with an asterisk.



Maybe I am still drunk.

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Mince Pie Fest 2022: Asda Extra Indulgent

"Extra Indulgent" seems a bit redundant, like "more unique".

These are very chunky minceys! I'm not sure the pictures convey how deep these pies are. I imagine they are probably expensive, but I was gifted them so I don't know.

The pastry is chunky and somewhat crispy, which is not my favourite texture, but there's a nice sweet taste at least.

The filling is rich and fruity and saucy, and then there's a BIG hit of booze that made my eyes water and would probably bar me from driving. If I could drive.

These are big, confident pies full of big, confident flavour, with only the crunchy pastry (and maybe the price?) letting them down. 4 out of 5.

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Mince Pie Fest 2022: Lidl Deluxe

We've seen what Aldi has to offer, now let's see what their Teutonic rivals can bring to the Chrimble table!

The pastry looks anaemic, and tastes undercooked and a tad stodgy. The filling starts off a bit bland but then there's a sudden rush of rich juicy flavour and a late hint of boozosity.

A very confusing pie, this. Seems awful at first, but turns out okay. 3 out of 5.

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Mince Pie Fest 2022: Aldi Purewick?

The pastry on this unusual pie is very tough and I was unable to bite through it. The filling has a nice festive aroma, but the texture is all wrong and it is unpleasant to eat.

Basically inedible. 1 out of 5.

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Mince Pie Fest 2022: Iceland Luxury

"Luxury" doesn't mean what it used to.

The pastry has a good texture, soft with a bit of bite, and has a nice sweet taste, but is also a bit sickly. The fruity flavoursome filling -- ™ Stan Lee -- is tangy, but alas tips over into bitter, and an aftertaste that I can only describe as nasty.

This is a mince pie full of strong flavours, the problem being that they are all the wrong ones! 2 out of 5.

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Mince Pie Fest 2022: Iceland

Get ready, as we enter the Twilight Zone!

The pastry is firm, almost biscuity, with an aftertaste akin to shortbread. In general I'm not a fan of shortbread, but this isn't unpleasant. The filling is surprisingly rich and tasty for a "basic" pie, and borders on savoury.

This mince pie is weird. It's nothing like the sort of mince pie I prefer but even so I quite like it. I give it a surprising and self-questioning 3.5 out of 5.

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